Today's jokes [8.14.13]
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The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life?
Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang
at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don
told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the
urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his
dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said,
"Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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