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Today's jokes [8.13.13]

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(Q) Why don't blondes use vibrators?
 
(A) Because they are scared they might chip thier teeth!!!

Sent by T.L.Glenn

1. 




A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. 
At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me 
with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups 
don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

2. 




Did you know that the night Santa first met his future
wife he uttered the now famous words: 

     "Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you." 

3. 




While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his 
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man 
were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, 
ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" 
was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come 
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. 
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't 
get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor 
thing down."

4. 




Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East



AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
    Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
 
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
    I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
    with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
 
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
    I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
 
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
    It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
    of your car.
 
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
    If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will
    gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
 
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
    The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
 
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
    The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must
    have the recipe.
 
  Regards,
  MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca
  BCSC / DNS



5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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