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Today's jokes [8.12.13]

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A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?" 

1. 




Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
A: To meet chicks. 


2. 




Oprectomy



                        KENMORE HOSPITAL
                      61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
                        BOSTON, MA. 02115



                                                DATE:____________

NAME:

ADDRESS:



Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for

_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this

extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects

your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty

outlook on life.

                                        Sincerely,


                                        J. Grabber, M.D.
                                        Kenmore Hospital



3. 




How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



        Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
        timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
        ing agreement:

        Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
        and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
        do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
        of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
        position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
        duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
        tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
        entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
        area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
        illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
        tween the parties.

        The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
        limited to, the following steps:

        1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
        elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
        any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
        negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
        part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
        part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
        first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
        party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
        mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
        perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
        foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
        structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
        may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
        in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
        blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
        is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
        (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
        (Lawyer) throughout.

        2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
        (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
        ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
        the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
        Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
        and federal statutes.

        3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
        of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
        installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
        This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
        reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
        same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
        occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
        negotiable.

        NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
        of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
        first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
        persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
        produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
        the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
        maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
        part, also known as "The Firm".



4. 




Chain Letter Type lI:  Make a wish!!!

(This is where you have to scroll down)







Really, go on and make one wish!!!









Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!












Wish something else!!!










Not *that* either, you pervert!!










Is your finger getting tired yet?











You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!

Wasn't that fun?  Hope you made a great wish.  Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to a certain
number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.  It's true!   Because
, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.

5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid
chain letter.

10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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