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Today's jokes [8.11.13]

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   This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
   in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
   "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
   man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
   service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
   Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
   some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
   gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
   Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
   cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
   on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
   guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the


   This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
   beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   "Then you can't have one."
   A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
   have on of those?"
   Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
   which the little boy responds "No."
   "Then you can't have one."
   Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
   each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
   "I just won $50,000"
   Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
   The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
   "Yes," Says grandpa.
   "Then go fuck yourself"


A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I
   would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
   pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
   Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
   "They"re packed with nutrients".
   The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
   him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
   day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
   on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
   top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
   the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
   of the tree.
   Moral of the Story:
   Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.


Night Before Christmas

                              For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling

      'Twas  the  nocturnal  segment  of the diurnal period preceding the
 annual yuletide celebration, and  throughout  our  place  of  residence,
 kinetic  activity  was  not  in  evidence  among  the possessors of this
 potential, including that  species  of  domestic  rodent  known  as  Mus
 musculus.    Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
 the  wood-burning  caloric  apparatus,  pursuant  to  our   anticipatory
 pleasure   regarding   an   imminent   visitation   from   an  eccentric
 philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title
 of St. Nicholas.
      The  prepubescent  siblings,   comfortably   ensconced   in   their
 respective  accommodations  of  repose,  were  experiencing subconscious
 visual   hallucinations   of   variegated   fruit   confections   moving
 rhythmically  through their cerebra.  My conjugal partner and I, attired
 in our  nocturnal  cranial  coverings,  were  about  to  take  slumbrous
 advantage  of  the  hibernal  darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
 portion of the grounds there ascended such  a  cacophony  of  dissonance
 that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
 the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
      Hastening  to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
 the fenestration, noting thereupon that the  lunar  brilliance  without,
 reflected   as   it   was   on  the  surface  of  a  recent  crystalline
 aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
 itself --  thus  permitting  my  incredulous optical sensor to peruse  a
 miniature   airborne  runnered   conveyance   drawn   by   an  octet  of
 diminutive  specimens   of the genus Rangifer, piloted by  a  miniscule,
 aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent
 to  me  that   he was  indeed  our   anticipated   caller.     With  his
 undulate  motive  power traveling at what may possibly  have  been  more
 vertiginous velocity  than patriotic   alar  predators,  he  vociferated
 loudly,   expelled   breath  musically  through  contracted  labia,  and
 addressed each of the  octet  by his  or  her  respective  cognomen  ...
 "Now   Dasher, now Dancer..."  et al. -- guiding them to  the  uppermost
 exterior  level  of   our  abode,  through  which   structure   I  could
 readily  distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32  cloven  pedal
      As I retracted my cranium from  its  erstwhile  location,  and  was
 performing  a  180-degree  pivot,  our  distinguished  visitant achieved
 -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way  of  the
 smoke  passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
 residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated
 on the walls thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor  I  attributed
 largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
 a commodious cloth receptacle.
      His  orbs  were  scintillant  with  reflected luminosity, while his
 submaxillary  dermal  indentations  gave  every  evidence  of   engaging
 amiability.    The  capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
 were engorged with blood which suffused  the  subcutaneous  layers,  the
 former  approximating  the  coloration  of  Albion's  floral emblem, the
 latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub-  and
 supralabials  resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
 ambient hirsuite facial  adornment  appeared  like  small,  tabular  and
 columnar crystals of frozen water.
      Clenched  firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
 fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
 decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than it  was
 high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
 undulated  in  the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
      Without utterance and  with  dispatch,  he  commenced  filling  the
 aforementioned  hosiery  with articles of merchandise extracted from his
 aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.    Upon
 completion  of  this  task,  he  executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
 single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition  to  his  olfactory  organ,
 inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
 affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.  He
 then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
 musical  expulsion  of  air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
 antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
 hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a  common
 weed.    But  I  overheard  his parting exclamation, audible immediately
 prior to his vehiculation beyond the  limits  of  visibility:  "Ecstatic
 yuletides   to   the  planetary  constituence,  and  to  that  self-same
 assemblage  my  sincerest  wishes  for  a  salubriously  beneficial  and
 gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd)
   WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading
   over the Internet!
   WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
   Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
   becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
   question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
   up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is
   called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
   hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
   get-rich-quick schemes.
   "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
   tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are
   otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
   to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same
   people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
   anything they read on the Internet.
   "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported
   one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
   story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
   anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first
   heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After
   all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I
   thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said,
   before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state,
   "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is
   spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
   Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
   virus, which include the following:
   The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking;
   The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others;
   A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is
   D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
   "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
   makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told
   about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so
   that he would not become infected.
   Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
   Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
   users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
   tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
   tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
   Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
   online help from many sources, including
   2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
   3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
   4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
   5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
   6]The Urban Legends Web Site
   7]Urban Legends Reference Pages
   8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings
   Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
   against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
   evaluating sources, such as
   Evaluating Internet Research Sources at Evaluation of
   Information Sources at
   Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
   Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
   Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
   forwards them a hoax.
   This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it
   to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This
   is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This
   story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so
   important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message
   you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly
   Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home
   will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're
   obviously thinking too much.)


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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