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Today's jokes [7.6.13]

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President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest 
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's 
favourite form of birth control!  This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power 
to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton.  "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 
4"  in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up 
and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 
'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great!  Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at 
least 10" long and 4" in  diameter."
"Easily done.  Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."

1. 




A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the
world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable
snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. 
The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone
doesn't work, and they both begin to panic. 
The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her
clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man
"make me feel like a woman again!" 
So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and
says "pick that up, bitch." 

2. 




A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

3. 




In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"


4. 




These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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