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Today's jokes [7.30.13]

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A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback 
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, 
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She 
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, 
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a 
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her 
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, 
she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its 
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses 
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to 
fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her 
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the 
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the 
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses 
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off 
the horse.

Sent by Marge

1. 




   A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the
   usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.
   
   "Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."


2. 




A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets 
out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.
"There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife. Then she screamed 
again and out pops a yellow body. "That must be the Chinese guy I slept 
with" she said. Then one more scream and the baby’s white legs were born, 
"Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.
The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby 
started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said "Thank fuck for 
that, I thought it was going to bark !!!" 

3. 




A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition
that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well,
this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And
the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up
and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all
the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week,
the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

4. 




    A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to
   Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I
   was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to
   Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?"
   So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell
   you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are
   officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead
   the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very
   bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like,
   but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."
   The man said "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit
   the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the
   elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a
   lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains
   of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said,
   the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed
   and he traveled back up to Heaven.
   After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said,
   "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one
   more question." "Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked,
   "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was
   snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"
   Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,
   "Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super
   Bowl !!"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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