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Today's jokes [7.28.13]

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 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him
down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior
citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions
slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some
decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry
or become upset about it, but should just relax and
things will probably be completely fine and blah blah
blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first
begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning." 

1. 




"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought
home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats
up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds." 

2. 




Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? 

     She can't stand it to see her husband enjoy himself. 

3. 




On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, 
pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male 
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. 
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second 
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost 
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
                                                    
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

4. 




They had a 'witchy' old lady next door that was constantly complaining
about everything and everyone in the neighborhood.  After one really good
round about kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies
planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought.
Juvenile as we all were, they planned to write some dirty words in her
meticulously-groomed front lawn with some kind of powder that would stand
out.  The only thing they could find was some Ortho Super-Gro Lawn Food
(white powdery stuff).  They wrote the message in the dead of night, and
next morning it was bold and white for the world to see.
The 'kicker' came after.  She came out, saw the graffiti, and immediately
grabbed a hose and WATERED IT OFF!

To this day, those sections of grass are just a little bit greener than
everything around them, and the words can STILL be read!



This reminds me of a story that a former roommate related to me.  In college
he and a group of friends got revenge on complete strangers.  ....Well, let
me set up the situation.

Y'know how sometimes you gotta park real far away from your destination
because certain types of people like to take up two parking spaces...?
Well, he and his friends got a little ticked about this, especially during
weekends at the school.  One day, they decided to get even with every
\verb+"#@@#\$#@$&&"+ that took up "their" space.  They turned the car sideways.
As he said, "He wanted that space so bad, now he can have it for a loooong
time!"



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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