Today's jokes [7.27.13]
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There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just
go to work.
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde,
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
(magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what
to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up
and says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play
with and put it where I pee!"
...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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