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Today's jokes [7.24.13]

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   A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
   triple scotch whiskey.
   
   As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
   heavy drink. What's wrong?"
   
   After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
   found my wife having sex with my best friend."
   
   "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
   scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
   the house."
   
   As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
   "What did you do?"
   
   "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
   the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
   get the hell out."
   
   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
   
   The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
   and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
   


1. 




An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small 
town.  One day she went to the local grocery store and while 
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her 
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her 
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find 
any money.  Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got 
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she 
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other 
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was 
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, 
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my 
pussy.

Sent by BIG GUY

2. 




    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"


3. 




A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a
dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone. 

 "First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then
I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."

   "Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was
silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said,
"For the winning numbers".

4. 




A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his 
friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits 
on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got 
somebody to talk to."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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