Today's jokes [7.24.13]
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A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small
town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find
any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house,
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my
Sent by BIG GUY
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
the name of your penis?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
A Jewish man has just won the lottery and invites his family to a
dinner. He then stands up to thank everyone.
"First I must thank my beautiful wife for her help and support, then
I want to thank my children, and the lottery commission."
"Then I would like to thank Adolf Hitler". Suddenly everyone was
silent as he showed some numbers tatooed on his forearm and said,
"For the winning numbers".
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his
friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits
on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got
somebody to talk to."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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