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Today's jokes [7.22.13]

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Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" 
Man #1: I was a doctor. 
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the 
kitchen...

1. 




The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South
   (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
   officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
   you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
   course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
   course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
   the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
   the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
   quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
   a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
   Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"


2. 




What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

3. 




The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
   event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and
   read his essay.
   
   It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
   
   "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
   
   "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
   


4. 




Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at 
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a 
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to 
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced 
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the 
best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking 
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to 
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man 
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but 
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by 
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach 
cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse 
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing 
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, 
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By 
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so 
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the 
bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he 
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers 
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into 
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard 
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my 
cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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