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Today's jokes [7.19.13]

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Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there
his teacher asked,
"Why are you late little Johnny?"
Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."
The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."
Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't
muck around!"

1. 




What's the best thing about turning 65?

No more calls from insurance salesmen.


2. 




Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So
they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they
end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the
elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what
is that long thing?" 
His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." 
"No, at the other end."
"That, son is the tail." 
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." 
A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,
"That's nothing." 
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being
satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?" 
"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.
"No at the other end." 
"Oh, that is the tail." 
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. 
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" 
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. 
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..." 


3. 




A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
 corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
 presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
 against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

 Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
 took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
 wits's end, he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took
 out the first envelope.  The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

 The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
 the feet of the previous CEO.  Satisfied with his comments, the press --
 and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
 problem was soon behind him.

 About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
 sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
 previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The
 message read, "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly
 rebounded.

 After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
 fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door
 and opened the third envelope.

 The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

4. 




New scientific theories

4th RunnerUp--  The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases
when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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