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Today's jokes [7.16.13]

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The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly 
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and 
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he 
spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your 
troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, 
but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their 
underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, 
yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with 
Giovanni..." 


1. 




A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in
the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem.  You see, I only have room for
two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi.  "My people wandered in the desert for forty
years.  I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."  With that
he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door.  The farmer opened the door,
and there stood the Rabbi from the barn.  "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn.  There is
a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.  But a few minutes late
the same scene occurs.  There is a knock on the door.  "What's wrong, now?"
the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but
there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred.  I
can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change.  He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn.  Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door.  Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

2. 




Two story house

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' 
and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

3. 




Q: How do you get a Blonde to Marry you?
A: Tell her she's Pregnant.


4. 




   Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
   Farmer: This dog don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
   Dog: Doin alright
   Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Dog: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
   takes me to the lake once a week to play.
   Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
   Farmer: Horses don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
   Horse: Cool.
   Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Horse: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
   me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
   elements.
   Farmer: (total look of amazement)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
   Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
   sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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