Today's jokes [7.13.13]
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How To Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another
"Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this
"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a
chance to defend myself."
In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms.
Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a
full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the
investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning
an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the
independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony,
beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them
picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's
"Are they that big?" asked the other.
"No they're this dirty."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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