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Today's jokes [7.10.13]

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    Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed 
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on 
complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all 
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the 
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all 
them fuckin' Indians!"


Richard Olivier, the son of Sir Laurence Olivier and Joan Plowright
was only a little boy when, on the front at Brighton, he was
confronted by the sight of two dogs mating. The lad turned to Noel
Coward, who was the Olivier's house guest, and said, "What are they
doing, Uncle Noel?"
"The one in front is blind." said Coward unpeturbed, "and the one
behind is being very very sweet and pushing him all the way to
St. Dunstan's." 


A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a
traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying
the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,
speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"
or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox
publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines
of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted
in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

Blind Farts:  Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa
1880 - see also "SBD's").

Boomers:  Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism
frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled

Carpet Creepers:  Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and
permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably
anonymous, having left the room.

Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at
least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a
series; originator betrays disappointment.

Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually
signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge
chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce
blushes, giggles, glares.

Poohs:  Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

SBD's:  (Silent But Deadly  type).  Consistant with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is
compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism
responsible is usually the innocent-looking  person glancing about

Screamers:  High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates
or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

Sliders:  See One-Cheek Sneaks.

Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all

Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are
accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous
content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking

Whiffers: see Poohs.


    How Smart Are You?
   20 Correct - Genius
   17 Correct - Above Normal
   15 Correct - Normal
   8 Correct - Nincompoop
   6 Correct - Moron
   3 Correct - Idiot
   1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
   3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
   4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
   but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
   5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
   6. How many outs are there in an inning?
   7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
   8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
   of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
   9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
   10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
   exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
   11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
   12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
   are the coins?
   13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
   was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
   one would you light first?
   14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
   15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
   hour. How long would the pills last?
   16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
   17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
   18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
   19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
   20. What was the President's name in 1950?
   ****************** Answers ****************
   1. Yes
   2. One
   3. All of them (12)
   4. The beggar is her sister.
   5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
   6. 6
   7. No - because he is dead.
   8. They aren't playing each other.
   9. 70
   10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
   11. 2
   12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
   13. The match.
   14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
   15. 1 Hour
   16. 9
   17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
   18. Meat
   19. 12
   20. Same as it is now.


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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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