Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [6.9.13]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

1. 




How to Catch a White Elephant
                   =============================
                 Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen

Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.


2. 




What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?

The wrong answer.

3. 




                            Birth of a Candy Bar
     
   
     It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss
     Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
     Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
     Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
     Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
     and it was like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her
     delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
     Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
     and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
     and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was
     fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
     before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
     the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
     "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's
     Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my
     Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
     of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
     you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong
     up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was
     giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my
     Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
     Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough,
     nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
  


4. 




Weight Control



Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
   (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350



5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 June '13 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
                  1  
2  3  4  5  6  7  8  
9  10 11 12 13 14 15 
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 
23 24 25 26 27 28 29 
30 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.