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Today's jokes [6.4.13]

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A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it
another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."



1. 




   One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
   home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
   story.
   
   The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
   tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
   
   "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
   truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
   we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
   road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
   "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
   
   Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
   take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
   8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
   story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
   hatched."
   
   Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
   plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
   crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
   way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
   the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
   gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
   20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
   with his bare hands."
   
   Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
   moral to his story.
   
   Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
   


2. 




A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started 
out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

3. 




   So you don't know Jack Schitt
   He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.
   Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of
   the Kneedeep Schitt
   Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next
   came twin sons, Deep
   Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
   and another son,
   Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
   Dip Schitt married
   Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
   Giva Schitt, married the
   Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd
   Schitt and Horace
   Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they
   are awaiting the
   arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.
   


4. 




An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"

Sent by abu dahbi


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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