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Today's jokes [6.3.13]

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When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?

When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

1. 




The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft.  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."

2. 




   Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that
   says, "Cow For Sale...$5000."
   
   He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth
   five thousand dollars."
   
   The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
   
   He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like
   a woman.
   
   Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just
   not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman,
   and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a
   cow, and you're not worth shit."
   


3. 




Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of 
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as 
far away from humanity as possible. 

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. 

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one 
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, 
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles 
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." 

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local 
folks. Thank you." 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some 
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I 
can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some 
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with 
people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these 
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been 
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I 
wear?" 

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be 
the two of us."

4. 




When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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