Today's jokes [6.18.13]
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A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the
guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's
my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but
now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
A: It's harder to pick up.
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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