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Today's jokes [6.18.13]

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A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,
until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the
guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's
my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but
now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really
too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could
enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral." 

1. 




A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

2. 




Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
A: It's harder to pick up.


3. 




What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A Mechanic.

4. 




On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
   a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
   move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
   not moving."
   Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
   co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
   to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
   not moving."
   The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
   should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
   to handle this."
   He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
   She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
   herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
   Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
   her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
   her the first class section wasn't going to New York."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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