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Today's jokes [5.9.13]

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Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a 
divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting 
a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. 
"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the 
woman, "and neither does the little queer."

1. 




These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally 
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut 
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became 
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled 
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing 
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other 
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home". 


2. 




Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None 
survived. 

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and 
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the 
Creator of all. 

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. 
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! 
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could 
smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word 
is strong!" 

Goldblum sighed with relief. 

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but 
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple 
during Yom Kippur?" 

Bauman hung his head in shame. 

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that 
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast 
and loose with my people, but I can accept these 
indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, 
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt 
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and 
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... 

"Closed for the Holiday !!!"

3. 




A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," 
said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, 
"Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

4. 




Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,
with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,
stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing
complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become
furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered
him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and
then reported on the problem to him.
He said:" Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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