Today's jokes [5.9.13]
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Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a
divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting
a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney.
"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the
woman, "and neither does the little queer."
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None
One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the
Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read???"
God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my people, but I can accept these
Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz,
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....
"Closed for the Holiday !!!"
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations,"
said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied,
"Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,
with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,
stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing
complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become
furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered
him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and
then reported on the problem to him.
He said:" Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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