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Today's jokes [5.8.13]

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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's
his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked
the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,
and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the
butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,
"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get
at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before
tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

1. 




During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff 
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made 
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. 

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey 
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general 
shot him dead. This continued for three days. 

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and 
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" 

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The 
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

2. 




   There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
   driving when a
   police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
   says "Did you
   know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
   to her husband
   "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
   "He said I was
   speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
   "Chicago" The
   wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
   his wife and said,
   "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit,
   you know, I had
   my worst fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
   what did he say?"
   The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
   


3. 




A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

4. 




One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was 
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of 
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the 
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood 
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good 
morning son." 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his 
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the 
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together 
staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked 
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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