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Today's jokes [5.29.13]

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Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
   to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
   for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
   you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
   you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
   male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
   run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
       cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
   believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
   don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
   seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you
   tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
   and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
   stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her
   is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
   so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
   your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
   has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
   the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
   but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
   underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
   have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
   finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.



1. 




Science alert

Scientists have just discovered something that can
do the work of five men: a woman. 

2. 




One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,
it had snowed during the night and everything was
covered in snow.  He looks down and sees something
written in urine on the lawn it reads
"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I
hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them
to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to
be on my deck.  Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests.  Do
you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."
Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!
Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What's
the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...
"The hand writing was Hillary's"

3. 




Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?
A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.

4. 




Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, "You think you have
family problems? Listen to my situation: A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter and we got married. Lately, my father
married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter
my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also
my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a
son. This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's
daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That
made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was
nothing until my wife and I had a son.
     Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is
also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you
think you have family problems.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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