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Today's jokes [5.25.13]

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The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive 
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you 
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

1. 




As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time
excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump 
School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

2. 




An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady,
entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and
take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."


Sent by Stan


3. 




APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying 
here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael 
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer 
and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and 
post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
    
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a 
more intimate environment.
    
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
    
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with 
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing 
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


Sent by Alex

4. 




The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
    British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
    Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
    Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
    Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
    People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
    the Soviet Elephant"

And  submited a poem "The Joy and
    Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
    wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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