Today's jokes [5.18.13]
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A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar
one evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink
except that gay guy over there"
About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"
The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each
cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!"
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip.
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company.
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job." "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!" The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.
"See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can
do with my hands." Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?" "$2500," the hooker replied.
"$2500 for a blowjob?" Cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!"
Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across
the street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there?
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it." Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified.
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How much
do you get for pussy?" The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"
Sent by TJ
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about
sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything
they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the
back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh
miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny
stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend,
and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:
"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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