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Today's jokes [5.15.13]

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   A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
   
   He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the
   knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
   He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
   
   The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
   
   "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And
   he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
   
   The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about?
   This is a marshmellow!"
   
   "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in
   here!"
   


1. 




The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too
young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear. 

2. 




A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the
doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week 
and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your 
penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay 
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 
4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive 
work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry 
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse 
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw 
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these 
breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at 
this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

3. 




After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and 
insane regulations at the department of motor vehiciles, a lady stopped at 
a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a 
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. 
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " 
I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehical bureau. I am way past 
sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you 
going back there?"

4. 




This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign
that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So
the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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