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Today's jokes [5.14.13]

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God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat 
grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
 The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. 
Please, give me no more than 20.'   And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion.  You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
 God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey.  You shall
 swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the  clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me  no more than 10 years.'  
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth.  You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.'   And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.  Then, he 
is to  have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

1. 




Q: Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
A: I don't know dear, ask your father.


2. 




Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes." 

3. 




   Little Johnny

   A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny
   answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, 
   "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
   carpet and says, "what do you think?"
   


4. 




   I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,
   
   but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to
   bed.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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