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Today's jokes [5.12.13]

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Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.

Stick his bill up his ass.

1. 




A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
 She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As  she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed,  she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident  and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back,  standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir,  how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in
your  pants when you hear what the price is."

2. 




A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself." 


3. 




Moon Mission

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two  pigs and 
Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the 
first stage drops off.
Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon 
landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.
"Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the 
green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last 
stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.
"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

4. 




    A Blind Mans Sport
   A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
   When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all
   done for him:
   "I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
   "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
   "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
   "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
   when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
   "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
   the ground?" he was again asked.
   He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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