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Today's stories [4.27.13]

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From a radio program, a true report of a
   happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys a brand new
   Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+
   monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting
   and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two
   Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the
   dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They
   drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
   they want to make some kind of a natural landing
   area for the ducks, something for the decoys to
   float on. In order to make a hole large enough to
   look like something a wandering duck would fly
   down and land on, it is going to take a little
   more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the
   back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
   dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these
   two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
   that if they place the stick of dynamite on the
   ice at a location far from where they are standing
   (and the new Grand Cherokee), they don't want to
   take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run
   from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke
   with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light
   this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
   Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned 
   the vehicle, the beer,the guns and the dog? Yes, the
   dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
   retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
   You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
   doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
   dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the
   time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream,
   wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog,
   cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs
   the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
   loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop
   a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,slightly
   confused but continues on. Another shot and this
   time the dog, still standing, becomes really
   confused & of course scared,thinking these two
   Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes off
   to find cover, (with the now really short fuse
   burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the
   brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are
   blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake
   in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates
   for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
   there with this "I can't believe this happened"
   look on their faces. The insurance company says
   that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
   explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the
   first of those $400+ a month payments.


1. 




John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great
   state of Washington, decided to attend a local
   Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George,
   Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among
   them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
   finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
   enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and
   sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their
   pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was
   for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
   and then assist his friend over the fence.
   Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop
   on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
   himself over, he found himself crashing through a
   tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large
   branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
   from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
   down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring
   the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
   pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
   to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
   John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
   leaves scratched his entire body and now being
   without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim
   of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
   To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
   to fall with him and landed three inches into his
   left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain
   and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull
   him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
   less, he decided the best course of action would
   be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is
   when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken
   state, Sal put the truck into the wrong
   gear,pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
   fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was
   thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
   injuries and also died at the scene. Police
   arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver
   thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving
   the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
   scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in
   his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the
   tree branches 25 feet in the air.


2. 




   So you think you're computer-illiterate?
   Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by
   Jim Carlton --
   Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
   to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
   plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
   Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
   the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
   After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
   problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
   rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
   Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
   A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
   in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
   on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
   room to close the door to his room.
   Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
   fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
   front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
   Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
   tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
   friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store,
   the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
   geeks."
   Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
   A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
   shouldn't be taken personally.
   An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
   new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
   in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
   button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
   nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
   mouse.
   Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
   computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
   and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When
   asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What
   power switch?"


3. 



BONUS! A random story from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




This guy was playing a game of texas holdem poker and had already lost 300 dollars when suddenly he looked down, and just next to the table he sees a little green leprechaun.
"Jus quit playing poker right now and I will give you a million dollars worth in a pot full of gold said the little green gentlemen.
The player replied, sure "just Let me get even first."


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