Today's jokes [4.9.13]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New
She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a
wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.
As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!
Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably
while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother
charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's
going to be?"
The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid
thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm
making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor
money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital.
And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will
receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was
taken aback and thought for a moment.
"Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage,
will you give her another chance?"
A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken
English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418.
A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees
2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him:
Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,
his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down
on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could
make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his
old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much
for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali
and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat
belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up
to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really
rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around
in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You
will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.
The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're
bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30