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Today's jokes [4.8.13]

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A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double
scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his
shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and
ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night
long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before 
you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts
to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

1. 




An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you 
can do when you're old and rich!"

2. 




THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

3. 




Wise men never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

4. 




"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then 
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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