Today's jokes [4.7.13]
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have
gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
My mother is a typical Jewish mother.
Once she was on jury duty. . .
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and
then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's
study where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have
brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then
replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus
had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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