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Today's jokes [4.6.13]

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up 
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's
always sound asleep."

1. 




A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."


2. 




Buying A Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for 
sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for 
$599,
no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our 
ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

3. 




This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some 
arsenic. 
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."


4. 




For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently  what kills you.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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