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Today's jokes [4.26.13]

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The woman  entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank  into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome  stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his  steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze  measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He  sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from  her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign  hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender,  new territory, boldly
taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements 
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy
was within  her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's  too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place  as if it had been made
only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over  her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her  eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes,  this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and  again............


DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR  SHOES?

1. 




The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at 
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that
St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the
children, of the aforementioned House  were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein
vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,
nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for
a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in
various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the
party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled
and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)
reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, 
instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and 
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by 
name:

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen
(hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further
asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been
involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered  said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a
red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,
and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to
be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and
health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon
completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the
Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

2. 




Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 
years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of 
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, 
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality 
service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being 
called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming 
unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus
and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave 
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be 
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all
present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

3. 




On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her 
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on 
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. 
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She 
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice 
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

4. 




An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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