Today's jokes [4.17.13]
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
Long, but pretty good:
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup
a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the
wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,
picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her
dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for
a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of
the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that
her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking
lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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