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Today's jokes [4.15.13]

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What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

1. 




At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing 
whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," 
said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." 

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. 
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." 

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. 

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has 
kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it
forever."

2. 




The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

3. 




After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection  -  a 
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, 
"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going
back there?"

4. 




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She  looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of 
your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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