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Today's jokes [4.13.13]

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A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the 
fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and 
makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, 
and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

1. 




This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both 
lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. 
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will 
self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from 
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will 
be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a Power "Wash" 
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no 
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where 
he will dry himself.


Sincerely,

THE DOG

2. 




A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to 
visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well 
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep 
him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been 
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a 
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've 
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and 
disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, 
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for 
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

3. 




A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the 
Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: 
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down 
momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to 
accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find  it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not
for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on
the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did
we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" 
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. 
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" 
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
"So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

4. 




Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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