Today's jokes [4.11.13]
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You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do. What am I?
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then
says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in
shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I
know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the crap out of him."
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side
of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the
way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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