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Today's jokes [4.11.13]

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You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do. What am I?

A Tent

1. 




Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they 
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.  "Since Valentine's Day is 
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at 
me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then 
says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a 
valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in 
shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl 
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think 
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. 
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love 
everyone a lot.  And then he'd start going all over the place to tell 
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound 
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I 
know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines 
could blow the crap out of him."

2. 




This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

3. 




A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side
of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the 
way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are 
you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."

4. 




What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?

Shake hands

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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