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Today's jokes [3.6.13]

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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the
top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm
gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were
full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."

1. 




A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." 

"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

2. 




How To Shower Like a Woman 
 
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice 
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
 

How To Shower Like a Man 
 
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

3. 




ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010

This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2010 that
we're not sure how funny this really is...

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.  May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan.  I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.  Email address is
sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home.  Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Custo mer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well,  I'd like to order a couple of your All Meat
Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll  like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir.  That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right.  Give me two family-sized ones, then
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
4, 2005, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional
Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut.

4. 




A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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