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Today's jokes [3.5.13]

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

1. 




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, itís Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

2. 




An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing 
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.
 
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries!"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream Ė Iíve got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"

3. 




A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,


Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are
still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month
ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was
due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are
probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are
not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't
sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open
account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and
now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that
it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your
husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous
that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at
collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any
purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card
company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them. 
Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,


Accounts Receivables

4. 




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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