Today's jokes [3.31.13]
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Christmas Cookie Ingredients
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka
Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level
cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this
point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup,
just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off
floor... mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Absolut to
check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who
giveshz a sheet. Check the Absolute. Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!
Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt
the earth move. She says no.
Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?
She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.
What is long, black, and smelly?
- The unemployment line.
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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