Today's jokes [3.30.13]
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Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to
them, "Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!"
The girls stop and look at each other. "Well I suppose we could always
eat the third one!"
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a
strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!
So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head
feels just like my wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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