Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [3.30.13]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Two blondes are passing by a fruit shop when the grocer calls to 
them, "Bananas! 50 cents each or three for a dollar!"

The girls stop and look at each other. "Well I suppose we could always 
eat the third one!"

1. 




Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a 
strictly mathematical viewpoint it  goes like this: What makes 100%?  
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people 
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that 
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M  N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented 
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take  you:
A-S-S¡ÖK-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and  Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

2. 




A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her 
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a 
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she 
slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was 
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the 
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much 
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the 
dining room skylight."

3. 




A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head 
feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're 
right!"

4. 




A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine 
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. 
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be 
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the 
longest private part he had ever seen! 
 
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." 
 
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. 
 
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to 
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. 
 
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 March '13 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
            1  2  3  
4  5  6  7  8  9  10 
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.