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Today's jokes [3.27.13]

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. 
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says
his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says 
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

1. 




After months of negotiation with the authorities, a
Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit
Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to
him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he
isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish
because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the
other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to
travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there
is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need
special permission to go there. But why would he be
going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of
the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish
families are there in Samvet? Only two - the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him
must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's
their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter
did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman
from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which
means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the
anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he
must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University for sure. At this point
the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do
you do, Dr. Kovacs?" 
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled
passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" 
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

2. 




In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can 
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

3. 




A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."

4. 




There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman 
on board.

The headquarters in the US  calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, 
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the 
reactors.  So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters  calls again:   "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for  instructions."  He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room  4, to stop the  fuel injection to engine 3, to 
add nitrogen to the fuel  compartment and to  analyse the solar 
radiation. So the monkey does the  carbon dioxide, the  fuel injection, 
the nitrogen and the analysis of  solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters  calls again:   "Woman, woman please 
report to coms for  instructions."  She sits down and just as she is 
about to be told what to  do she says.....    "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't  touch a damn thing."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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