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Today's jokes [3.13.13]

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Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will 
receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
*       0.5 Miss Worlds,
*       2.5 supermodels,
*       463 wild nymphos,
*       3,234 good-looking nymphos,
*       20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
*       and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent
her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since
he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to
whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant  surprises like
marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

1. 




A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service
by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on
the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the
president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the
Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your
respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you
and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and
says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

2. 




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

3. 




Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

4. 




POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS
 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes 
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere
summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions 
at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures 
whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, 
religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and
operating system of the wishee.
 
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
 
1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.
3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
     wishes for her/himself or others.
4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and
5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
 
This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a 
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.
 
Disclaimer:
The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. 
Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this 
particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the
use of the color blue.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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