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Today's jokes [3.12.13]

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A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather
hot blond behind him has just smiled "Hello" to him.
  
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him...
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from...
so he says ..."Sorry....do you know me?"

She replies... "I may be mistaken... but I thought you might be the
father... of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap".... he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party
that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends.... while
your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my behind?"

"No".... she replies..... "I'm your son's teacher."

1. 




There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from
anyone else,  do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends
and go straight to the nearest bar.  Order drinks immediately and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your
system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five
friends. 

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for
the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!

2. 




In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

3. 




A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

4. 




A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get  married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
 over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The
mother agrees.

The next day, he  brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess
which one I'm going to marry."

She  immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's  amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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