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Today's jokes [3.11.13]

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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

1. 




A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the
highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

2. 




A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" 

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

3. 




A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women
grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day
and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing.
He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the
boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to
see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been
a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

4. 




Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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