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Today's jokes [2.9.13]

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   A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
   to cross the street,
   when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
   herringbone tweed
   trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
   retrieves a doggie biscuit
   which he starts to offer to Fido.
   A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
   happening and
   interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
   dog just pissed all
   down the leg of your pants?"
   "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
   blind man.
   "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
   going to teach him
   much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
   To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
   just trying to find his
   head so I can kick his ass!"


   A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
   and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
   The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
   great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
   So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
   a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
   hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
   Drugs? Alcohol?"
   The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
   drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
   morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
   my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
   you know, I'm fucking her."
   The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
   The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."


A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"


   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."


A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes 
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his 
head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to 
the front door and starts pounding on it. 

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to 
knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your 
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended 
son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I 
just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out 
the window!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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