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Today's jokes [2.5.13]

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What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?



A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl.

Sent by Josh

1. 




What is the Definition of Agony? 

    Pamela Anderson says to you "I'll fuck you for a week non stop
    for one dollar and you have only got 95 cents! 

2. 




   A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the
   first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens,
   cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the
   nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to
   amuse him with.
   
   Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the
   dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with
   enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
   
   After a few hours, the nephew returned.
   
   "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
   
   "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
   


3. 




"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We 
were married this morning."
"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"
"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang 
of it."

4. 




The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on
  a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher
  accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff
  stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it
  and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague
  asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was
  okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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