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Today's jokes [2.4.13]

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    Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
   The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
   English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
   which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
   Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
   improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
   known as "EuroEnglish."
   In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this
   will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
   dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and
   keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
   There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
   troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words
   like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
   In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
   to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
   Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
   always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
   horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and
   they should go away.
   By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
   with "z" and the "w" with "v."
   During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
   kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
   kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl
   vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil
   find it easy tu understand each ozer.
   ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!


1. 




*****************************************************
                 CHRISTMAS PARTY
*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A
special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for
your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?

Patty

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks. Okay???

Patty

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday

Party People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family
feuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed their
mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get
a notification in the mail sent to your home.

============================================



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday Party

I have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@
do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will
be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will
have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!

============================================



FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.

Happy Holidays!

2. 




Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and 
son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the 
car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.
"What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered,
"Your mother wants to eat first!"

3. 




A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's 
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an 
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary 
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a 
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs 
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful 
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll 
give it a try!"

4. 




   An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
   had been sleeping in the bedroom.
   
   As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
   wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
   "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
   anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
   with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
   
   "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
   feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
   nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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