Today's jokes [2.26.13]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120
cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150,
you'll get a 25% discount !" The nuns look at each other, and after a
prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."
Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall --
a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight
pin. Naturally they won't believe, so you set out to
Get a glass of water and a pin. Hold the glass up to the
wall and start to pin it up. And then drop the pin.
You've got the glass in position just right, so you ask
your victim real nice to get the pin for you. When they
bend down to pick it up, dump the water on their head.
This works especially well when there's a crowd of people watching.
It can also be very dangerous for the joker, so be careful if you
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass."
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?"
What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave sucker!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28