Today's jokes [2.22.13]
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Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He
goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see
what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go
behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but
went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of
and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked
but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do
what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs
and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin
right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive
'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.
Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main
cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much
liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'
Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off
on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one
chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard
of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the
greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper,"
replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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