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Today's jokes [2.20.13]

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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

                                         The Captain's log.


What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?  
"Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?  
"How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?  
"How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? 
"Do you want fries with that?" 


    There was an old married couple that had happily lived
   together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
   was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
   morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
   smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
   air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
   in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
   to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
   wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
   function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
   fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
   about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
   The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
   continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
   one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
   prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
   potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
   turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
   solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
   placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
   before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
   asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
   husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
   her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
   tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
   hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
   trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
   sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
   bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
   tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
   with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
   husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
   horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
   asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
   those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
   "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
   "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
   of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
   and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."


There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.  First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous,
fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."


   Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night,
   got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home.
   On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.
   Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and
   was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad
   shape that he even blew chunks.
   Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost
   control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility
   pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.
   Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got
   home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she
   started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty
   vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars.
   Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after
   dumping sugar in the gas tank.
   Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying
   uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said,
   "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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